Confessions of a She-Hulk.

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Well. Part-time She-Hulk.

she_hulk_

Actual artist rendering of DimWhit on grocery day. Drawn to scale.

You see, yesterday was go-to-the-grocery-store day. Of all the items that appear on the “Shit You Gotta Do When You’re A Grown-Up” list, grocery shopping is my uncontested least favorite. Human beings are at their most annoying when they’re in the produce section, the parking always sucks, without fail I am destined to pick the wrong check-out aisle and by the time I make it home, most of the crap I bought has escaped their bags and tumbled into the most difficult to reach spots in my car.

I think all the agitation unleashes my inner Lou Ferrigno. Because by the time I arrive home, I am so irritable and so completely over it that I am able to do this:

Simply remarkable.

Simply remarkable.

It’s an incredible feat of strength and efficiency that I have yet to duplicate in any other activity. Period.

Take for example, unloading the dishwasher looks more like this:

One bowl down. I think I deserve a break.

It’s too heavy!

And today’s chore is laundry.

Laundry is so easy! I get to sit on my ass for a majority of the process, making it by far my most favorite domestic task. But hand to God, as I look at that laundry basket with ergonomic, no-slip-grip handles, faced with the knowledge that I have GOT to get it up the stairs, I can almost literally feel my muscles (the very muscles that carried 268 lbs. of grocery bags in one trip just yesterday) retreat into my body.

Seriously, I get all Benjamin Buttony.

babylaundry

One day this week, I already know that I’m going to have to carry out a load of trash. Jesus-take-the-wheel, it will not be one of my finer moments. I typically kick this task off with approximately 30-45 minutes of this:

Put your head between your knees, you DimWhit!

Put your head between your knees, you DimWhit!

When that doesn’t work and I’m finally faced with the ugly truth that the garbage didn’t magically disappear and if I procrastinate any further my friends are going to bust me and turn me into the the producers of “Hoarders”, I saddle up and do what any proper part-time She-Hulk would do.

trashhulk

Until next time, friends. I’m off to go refill the toilet paper.

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22 thoughts on “Confessions of a She-Hulk.”

  4. Yes, Jessica, she is a genius. But PLEASE don’t tell her that as she will be nearly impossible to deal with. It will be a constant “but I’m a genius” and that won’t be fun for any of us.

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  6. I am really glad your Mom shared this. I love the “whit” that so many of us have been blessed with. I ask myself “How have I not known of this blog?” Love to you woman!

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  7. Cool! After I met lots of women recently who told me I need to be more “feminine”, which in their view means things like loving your household stuff, caring and nurturing, keeping things in order and the like, now I keep stumbling over blogposts that celebrate the opposite. Mind you, I haven’t been looking for them, I just seem to find them. I’m sure you will enjoy this one too: http://sincerelyherz.wordpress.com/2014/03/09/the-woman-who-cant-cook/.

    BTW, I don’t think grocery shopping is the worst thing on that infamous list, although I live on the 5th floor without an elevator. The worst is stuff like getting your head around a tax declaration form and having to find ot what these people actually want (yes they want money, I know, but they also want information, and I never seem to get the hang of these bloody forms ….)

    Keep on trucking – and don’t lose your sense of humour, it’s precious! 🙂

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    • Glad we found each other, Zarah, and thanks for the link. I am no 21st Century June Cleaver, and have zero ambitions to be. Long live gals with grit!

      I hope you come back to visit every now and again!

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  9. I don’t mind grocery shopping, but if you really don’t want the drama have it delivered – they will even bring it in and put it on your kitchen bench for you! Funny post.
    xx

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  11. Pingback: Girls behaving badly and DimWhit’s Friday Fold-Up | the dimwhit

  12. I would pay extra for my bagels and BBQ chips and even beer, if I could have Kroger’s All-to-Myself for just twenty minutes. Shopping would be fun if there were no other shoppers in the store.

    Great Post. I laughed out loud!

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