Happy belated birthday, Donald Sterling!

birthdayboydonaldsterlingI was in a bit of a panic this morning when I realized that on April 26th, I had been negligent in celebrating the 80th birthday of good ole’ boy, Donald Sterling. I mean, in my defense, I was probably busy that day doing things like being-a-better-freaking-person-than-him or having non-racist conversations with my other crazy non-racist friends, (you know – mind-boggling stuff).

You must understand – your average, evolved human being has a lot less damn time on their hands! Seriously people! Exhibit A: my DVR. When you have love and respect for other humans regardless of race, gender or sexual orientation, do you have any idea how many more television shows and movies that opens a person up to?!? Denzel Washington alone has made approximately 842 amazing movies! And The Ellen Show is on EVERY FREAKING DAY!!! It’s nearly impossible to keep up.

Pro-tip: Watching them both together saves TIME.

Pro-tip: Watching them both together saves TIME.

But I digress, that’s my cross to bear and is certainly no excuse for missing such a notable figure’s birthday. Since my greetings were to be belated, a card alone would not do. Nope, I had to find a gift. But what do you get the degenerate tycoon in your life that has everything? Just as panic began creeping back in, my internet search led me to the mecca of one-stop shopping; the store that has anything and everything and the very place that has saved my ass for three Christmases and counting. That’s right, Amazon.com had my back! Just before I was about to throw in the towel, Amazon presented me with this lil’ nugget:

Screen Shot 2014-05-22 at 9.43.01 AM

The product rating is decent and it’s IN STOCK. Do you think he’ll like it??? Fingers crossed, y’all!

These people certainly had some encouraging things to say.

Screen Shot 2014-05-22 at 9.45.38 AM

Screen Shot 2014-05-22 at 9.45.19 AM

Winner, winner – chicken and watermelon dinner, I think we found it folks. Donald is sure to be impressed. With the help of Amazon, I have very fortunately stumbled across the perfect present for the ginormous, racist asshole in your life. You are welcome.

And as a side note, I would love to quickly point your attention to the “Customers Who Viewed This Also Viewed” section for this item.



I have tried and tried, I promise, to ascertain the correlation between these products. Thus far, I’ve come up empty. Maybe just maybe, one of you can shed some light on this for me. For now, all I can hope is it has something to do with the inarguable fact that anyone who would purchase a black face bottle opener is a real dick.

Happy belated birthday, douchebag Donald!

           Love – dee dubya

PS: Yes. That’s a real product, you guys. I can’t make this shit up.

PPS: No, I don’t understand it either.

PPPS: Hell in a hand basket. Totally where this world is going. At record speed.


4 thoughts on “Happy belated birthday, Donald Sterling!

  1. This is a real long shot here, but MAYBE someone who opens a lot of beers is attempting to reach an altered state of mind where it seems perfectly normal to slice off a natural, functioning part of an infant’s body.

    No, I’m not really an intactivist, but circumcision will always remain on the list of things that make me scratch my head. Mental lice, and I’m powerless to squash them.

    How’d you like the reviews for that second product?

    Liked by 1 person

    • You may be onto something, Jesse. As for the reviews on the imitation wee-wee, they are awesomely bad. Below are a few samples for your enjoyment:

      “The only drawback is that it doesn’t scream…”

      “These tiny, imitation penises are okay for practice, but since they don’t have real foreskin, I can’t make my suede coin purses.”

      “The one good thing I can say about it is there is no face, no pleading eyes to look into, as you ignore every humane instinct and force your scalpel through the baby’s genitals.”

      NO JOKE, those come straight from the site via copy/paste.


  2. Pingback: A bright, shiny day for the dimwhit | weekly recap included! | the dimwhit

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